


japanese denim

by thekardemomme



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, True Love, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-24 17:46:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21342208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekardemomme/pseuds/thekardemomme
Summary: “I’m not leaving. I’m not. I love you.”“I love you, too,” Eliott assures him. “But that wasn’t enough the first time. Was it?”Lucas crumbles. Eliott feels numb.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 31
Kudos: 223





	japanese denim

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: the behavior in this fic is not always healthy! you might not like the characters! you might not understand why i wrote them a certain way or doing certain things. that’s okay! sometimes, we can be shitty. sometimes, we do toxic things. sometimes, we hurt people. sometimes, most of the time, we’re not perfect. this isn’t meant to romanticize or condone any of their behavior, just simply to say this happens, and even our fav characters can be shitty.
> 
> so go ahead and break my heart again  
leave me wondering why the hell i ever let you in  
are you the definition of insanity  
or am i  
oh it must be nice   
to love someone who lets you break them twice

Eliott forces his way through the crowd of people, seeing if he can find at least one person he knows. When he’d gotten the invitation to Emma’s wedding, he knew that it’d be full of strangers. All of them were different people now, with different circles of friends and different coworkers and different  lives.  He’d known that it would be difficult to find familiar faces, but he hadn’t really expected to go through the entire ceremony seeing Emma and Yann only once—standing at the altar. He hasn’t seen anyone since then. 

It’s about half an hour into the reception now, and everyone at his table appears to be from high school, but he doesn’t remember who they are. Just their faces. He’d been polite, of course, but as soon as he saw an out to get up, he’d taken it. He makes his way to the exit, trying to dig his cigarettes out of his jacket pocket. Hopefully Emma won’t be too mad, if she catches him. 

The cold air hits him as he steps outside, making his fingers tremble as he lights the end of the cigarette. The burn of it is pleasant against his lungs, easing some of the anxiety almost instantly. He’d expected to see all of his old friends at least once, to exchange at least a hello. They’d all taken Lucas’s side, sure, but he supposed that since Lucas broke his heart and not the other way round, his old friends might’ve been more sympathetic towards him. Especially now that it’s been a couple of months. 

He wonders if maybe they’re just intentionally avoiding him. Inviting him at all was definitely Emma’s doing—Yann is Lucas’s best friend, surely he’d never make that call. But Emma was the closest to Eliott of all the girls, besides Imane. He wouldn’t really expect any of them to care for him. He supposes that Lucas’s friends could easily convince them to stay away from Eliott. Lucas himself could’ve done that. 

Lucas wasn’t one of Yann’s groomsmen. Apparently the couple had elected not to have a wedding party, which Eliott can respect, given the size of the wedding. Too many friends to try and pick from, he guesses. It was both a blessing and a curse to not have seen Lucas in the last couple of hours. Eliott’s not entirely sure how he’d react to seeing him again. 

Lucas may be over him, but Eliott definitely isn’t. Maybe he would be, if he’d expected the breakup. But he hadn’t, at all. And now here he was, huddled outside in the cold, simultaneously trying to see his old friends and avoid his ex-boyfriend. He can’t really claim this as one of his finest moments. 

“Mind if I join you?”

Basile appears out of nowhere, and Eliott balks. Speak of the sun and it shines, he supposes. 

“Do you smoke?” Eliott asks, fingers already reaching for his pocket. When Basile shakes his head, he stops, and cocks his head to the side in confusion. “Then why do you want to join me?”

Basile shrugs, “You seemed lonely. I figured it can’t be easy for you being here, since everything happened. Just thought you could use some company.”

“Thanks,” Eliott murmurs, taking the final drag of his cigarette and snubbing it out on the ground with his shoe. “Does Lucas know you’re out here?” He asks suddenly, unable to hold the question back. 

“Lucas’s not in charge of me,” Basile laughs, and Eliott levels him with a look. He and Basile both know that Lucas is really good at getting what he wants, and Eliott doubts it’d be hard to convince your friends not to hang around your ex. “Yeah, okay, no. He doesn’t. But like I said, he’s not in charge of me. I’m allowed to talk to whoever I want.”

“I appreciate it, Baz, but you really don’t have to. You don’t owe me anything, like, I understand why you took Lucas’s side. You two were friends for years before I came into the picture. Hell, I doubt I would’ve become friends with any of you if I hadn’t started dating Lucas.” His name tastes bitter in his mouth, and yet also like home, and it makes his heart ache. He’s gone so long trying not to talk about him that it feels weird to discuss him now. 

It feels Eliott weirder knowing that he’s just on the other side of the wall, celebrating his best friends’ marriage. It’s the first time they’ve been in the same building in three months. 

“He misses you, you know,” Basile murmurs, and Eliott just laughs, turning out towards the night. There’s lights shimmering from where the heart of Paris is, and Eliott focuses on that. “He does. And he won’t admit it to me, but I think he regrets a lot of things about what happened between you two.”

Eliott hums. “Him and me both.” He eyes Basile from his peripheral, watches him anxiously shift on his feet. The cold is starting to make his bones go stiff. “You should go back inside, where it’s warm.”

“Come with me. You’ve been out here longer than I have.”

“I’ll come in just a moment,” Eliott reassures him, and Basile gives him a skeptical look. “I will. Trust me. I’m a hopeless romantic, you know I can’t skip a wedding.”

Basile seems to take him seriously, then, patting him on his back and heading back inside. Eliott takes another minute and a half to collect himself before following in Basile’s footsteps, immersing himself back in the party. 

Everyone is dancing now, and Basile is lost in the crowd once again. All it takes is one scan of the room for Eliott to confirm that, yes, he still doesn’t see anyone he knows. He sighs, and then takes a glass of champagne from a waiter that walks by and downs it in one (okay, maybe two) gulps. He loves weddings and he needs to stop ruining this one for himself by being annoyingly sober. 

It only takes three glasses before he’s loose enough to join the strangers on the dance floor. They’re all kind, dancing with him as if they’ve met before. Eliott can’t really dance, but it’s fun to try, and before he knows it an hour has passed by doing just that. 

That’s when someone grabs his arm, pulling him aside. Eliott braces himself, half expecting to see Lucas ready to yell at him for showing up, but not being that surprised when he sees Emma instead. He smiles at her, wrapping her up in a hug and telling her how happy he is for her. 

“I’m so glad you could make it!” Emma yells over the music, rubbing Eliott’s back. “I know it has to be kind of awkward for you on your own, so thank you. It means so much to me.”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” Eliott tells her seriously. Emma smiles gratefully and steps back, lacing her hands together. “How have you been?”

“Amazing,” Emma grins. “These last couple of months have been some of the happiest of my life. You have no idea.” She falters, then. As if she just realized what she was saying and who she was saying it to. Eliott hates when that realization hits people. He can be happy for others while still mourning his relationship. He’s not going to fall apart in the wake of other people’s happiness. “I’m sorry, I… That was kind of shitty of me.”

Eliott shakes his head. “It’s fine,” he reassures her, placing a hand on her shoulder to really drive his point home. “I’m really happy for you. Congratulations on all of this. I wish you all the happiness in the world with Yann.”

“Thank you, Eliott,” she smiles. She pulls him into another hug, and Eliott easily returns it. Although they still hung out while he and Lucas were together, it still wasn’t as often as it had been when they were still in high school. As aforementioned, they had different circles of friends now. So it was nice to be reminded of how close they used to be, and to know that all of it hadn’t been for nothing. 

When they pull away, Emma excuses herself to go finish making her rounds to thank all of the guests, and Eliott excuses himself to the bathroom. They go their separate ways and Eliott finds himself wondering if that’s the last time he’ll see her for a while. He downs another three champagnes on his way to the hall. 

The hallway leading to the bathrooms is infinitely quieter than the reception space, closed off by only a door and yet somehow sealed tight. It’s like a breath of fresh air to hear only dull thumping instead of being right next to the speakers, so Eliott walks slowly to the bathroom. Takes his time. 

He takes his time in the restroom, too. He’s in no rush to get back out there and dance again. A glance at his watch tells him that it’s nearing midnight, and the reception should end soon anyway. No one would really notice if he slipped out a little early, right? He could leave without ever entering the reception space again, and no one would be the wiser. 

He washes his hands with soap twice, wasting even more time, as he contemplates leaving. He’d spoken to Emma, and Yann probably had nothing to say to him. No one could possibly be angry if Eliott left. 

He’s just drying his hands and thinking about his escape route when the door flies open. The sudden intrusion startles Eliott, and he whips his head around as if someone had yelled at him. He finds himself staring back at Lucas, who’d apparently already been staring with his mouth agape and eyes wide. 

“H-Hi,” Eliott says quickly, watching the bathroom door slip shut behind Lucas’s frozen body. “I, um. It’s nice to see you… here. I’m sure that Emma and Yann are glad to see you.” He cringes as he realizes how stupid he sounds. Of  course  Lucas came. Eliott was the surprise. “I mean, um. I just mean that I’m sure this was a great day for you and them both. Um.”

“What are you doing here?” Lucas asks suddenly, and Eliott deflates. 

“I was invited,” Eliott mumbles, throwing away his paper towels and shoving his hands in his pockets. Lucas’s stare feels heavy, and he’s not used to feeling so uncomfortable in Lucas’s presence. It’s too weird. “Emma invited me.”

Lucas stares. “Okay. Why did you come?”

“They were my friends, too.”

“Key word:  were.”

Eliott rolls his eyes. “Why are you being so rude? I haven’t seen you all night, and I was just leaving. There’s no way I could’ve possibly made this awkward for you. I haven’t noticed any of you, you or your friends, since I got here. So don’t act like—”

“I saw you the moment you stepped into the ceremony and sat down,” Lucas interrupts. “I’ve done nothing  but notice you all night.”

“Well…” Eliott fishmouths, trying to think of a rebuttal. Knowing Lucas was here was one thing, but actually seeing him is another. And here Lucas is, telling him that he’d seen him around all night and was probably avoiding him. “If you knew I was in here, then why did you follow me? Just to have this shitty confrontation?”

It’s Lucas’s turn to fishmouth, and Eliott can’t help but feel a little bit of pride. “I had to go to the bathroom,” Lucas attempts, but they both know that’s not true. Or, well, it may be true. But they both know that’s not the real reason he came in here. “You can’t just turn this around on me,” Lucas tries again, and Eliott rolls his eyes. 

“I was invited, Lucas. I don’t owe you an explanation on why I came to my friends’ wedding, especially when I was invited. It’s none of your business.”

“It is my business, actually. Because I’ve been unable to focus on this entire thing just knowing that you were in the same room. And that’s not really fair, is it?”

“That’s also not my fault,” Eliott snaps, and Lucas’s chest puffs out the way it does when Lucas is trying to put up an angry front. Eliott would find it cute in any other situation. “Again, I don’t owe you an explanation. I don’t owe you anything.”

“I saw you dancing with those girls earlier. Emma’s college friends.” Oh, that’s who they were. Eliott hadn’t known. “That wasn’t fair.”

Eliott raises an eyebrow. “Oh? And what exactly was unfair about that?”

Lucas scowls, “You know. Don’t play dumb.”

Eliott folds his arms over his chest, standing up taller. Two could play at this game. “You broke up with me, Lucas. You’re the one who left. I’m single, I can do what I want. I can dance with whoever I want, hang out with whoever I want, and go to whoever’s wedding I want. You don’t get to have an opinion on that anymore.  You broke up with  me.” He watches the way his repeated sentence digs through Lucas a bit, and it makes him more confused than anything. Why was Lucas doing this here? Now? If he regrets the breakup, why hadn’t he spoken to Eliott sooner?

It’s not like Eliott tried to shut him out after the breakup, or anything. Eliott had made it clear that his door was always open and that all Lucas had to do was call if he needed anything. He hadn’t closed himself off to Lucas whatsoever over the last few months. It was Lucas that ghosted Eliott, rather. 

Maybe that’s why Lucas hadn’t said anything. Maybe he thought that cutting Eliott off would make it easier, and it’s only seeing him in person that’s making these feelings come out. 

“I know,” Lucas argues. He crosses his own arms and avoids Eliott’s gaze, as if he’s now the one feeling as though it’s too heavy. “I know, but it’s still not fair of you to dance with other girls as if you really had no idea that I’d been watching you all night.” He glances back up at Eliott, and there’s something new in his expression that Eliott can’t really identify. 

“What are you talking about? I haven’t seen you once all night.”

“Stop lying.”

“I’m not,” Eliott snaps. “I haven’t seen you all night. I didn’t know you’d been watching me. That’s kinda creepy, Lucas.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, effectively calling Eliott’s bluff. Maybe it  is a little creepy, but he knows that Eliott doesn’t find it creepy. Eliott can’t help but love that Lucas knows that. “I wasn’t, like, trying to. It just kept happening. It was like you were an itch that I couldn’t scratch and you just kept… showing up. Everywhere I turned, there you were.” He bites his lip as if hesitating to say something, and Eliott cocks an eyebrow. “You look really good tonight, by the way. In case you didn’t know.”

“Thank you,” Eliott murmurs. Lucas nods once, like he can’t bear to say or do anything more. “So do you. That suit looks really nice on you,” he adds, just to fill the silence. 

“I went to your tailor. I’d hope you like his work.”

“Fair.”

They’re both quiet, then, neither moving to either strike up conversation or leave the room. It’s definitely past midnight now, and there’s the sound of more talking in the hall. If they’re not careful, they won’t be alone in this bathroom anymore. 

Lucas apparently has the same thought, because he steps back and turns the lock. Eliott isn’t sure what that implies, but if he’d been standing closer to the door, he would’ve locked it too. He wonders what that means, and what that says about them. 

He shifts on his feet, drinking Lucas in a little bit longer. He’s hunched over with his arms tucked around himself—nervous. Self-protecting. Scared, maybe. There’s also the way his fingers have been shaking since he walked in, like he was expecting a fight. Like he was expecting Eliott to yell at him. Maybe Lucas thinks he deserves that, for breaking up with him. Maybe that’s what Lucas came here for. Maybe watching Eliott break down would’ve served as Lucas’s closure, or something. 

“Why did you follow me in here, Lucas?” Eliott asks again, because he really needs to know the answer now. “The truth, please.”

Lucas shrugs weakly. He still isn’t meeting Eliott’s gaze, despite Eliott’s desperate attempts to catch Lucas’s eyes. “I don’t know. I guess I just… You know, like I said, I kept seeing you tonight. And when you went to the bathroom, I was scared you were leaving. And I just… I couldn’t let you leave without speaking to you. It’s already been so long since…”

“I told you that you can always call me if you need me,” Eliott reminds him gently. 

“I know,” Lucas allows. “But I only needed to hear your voice, and I don’t think calling you for that would be very fair.” Now Lucas does look up, wet eyes meeting Eliott’s. It tugs at Eliott’s heartstrings still to see Lucas cry, no matter what is lying broken and unanswered between them. “Like you said, I broke up with you. It wouldn’t have been nice of me.”

Eliott takes a step closer, ducking his head to try and hold Lucas’s gaze. Now that he’s got that eye contact, he doesn’t want to lose it. “I love you, Lucas. And this is me giving you my full permission to take advantage of me for that. Call me whenever you want for whatever you want, I’ll always be happy to hear from you.”

Surprisingly, Lucas’s expression contorts into something unhappy, almost disgusted. Eliott retraces his last sentence, trying to figure out where he went wrong. 

“Eliott, do you hear yourself?” Lucas asks, his voice filled with confusion. “Don’t ever give someone  permission to take advantage of you. You deserve so much better than that.”

“I love you,” Eliott says again, as if that answers that question. The question that Lucas didn’t ask. 

“Well, fuck, I love you too, but—” Lucas cuts himself off, his eyes slipping closed. 

“So you do, then?” Eliott whispers. “Still love me, that is?”

Lucas laughs, but it’s hollow. Like he can’t quite believe Eliott is actually asking that. Like he doesn’t really want to answer it. “Of course I do. I never stopped. I don’t think I ever will.” His eyes open again, causing a tear to fall. Eliott just hopes that isn’t the dam breaking. “But it isn’t fair of me to tell you that. You shouldn’t… I shouldn’t be able to tell you I love you and make you smile like that. I should be down on my knees begging for your forgiveness just to get you to even glance at me. You’re way too fucking good for me.”

Eliott fights to keep his expression calm under the weight of what Lucas just said. He basically admitted that he followed Eliott in here to apologize and tell Eliott he loves him. That he wants Eliott’s forgiveness, and maybe he wants to get back together. It’s hard for Eliott to pretend he isn’t excited about it, that he wouldn’t take Lucas back in a heartbeat. 

Lucas looks so broken, and Eliott sees himself in that expression. He sees his own heartbreak. He hadn’t even entertained the thought that Lucas could’ve been hurting as much as he has. After all, Lucas broke up with him. 

Eliott steps forward again and again, closing the empty space between them. “You’re right, you know,” Eliott whispers, and Lucas wipes the wetness off of his cheeks just for it to be replaced. “You should be begging for my forgiveness. I deserve that. You broke my heart.”

“I’m so sorry,” Lucas breathes, and Eliott bites the inside of his cheek. “I’m so fucking stupid, I never should’ve… I don’t know what I was thinking. It went too far and I spiraled and I didn’t know how to stop it or make myself feel better and I—”

“Lucas, breathe.”

Lucas obeys, sucking in a deep breath and shakily exhaling. “I love you,” Lucas whispers. “Let me get on my knees for you. Let me beg.”

“I’m not sure that’s—”

But Lucas drops to his knees, then. He doesn’t touch Eliott, of course, would never do that without consent. But he’s on his knees, and Eliott technically forgave him a long fucking time ago, so he figures there’s no harm in agreeing. He just hopes that’s not the champagne talking.

“Okay,” Eliott finds himself saying. 

As expected, Lucas wastes no time. He quickly undoes Eliott’s belt and then his pants, pulling them down to mid-thigh. He noses at Eliott’s dick through his boxers, then, licking at it through the fabric to get it ready. Eliott gets hard embarrassingly quick, but Lucas takes it in stride, removing Eliott’s underwear and swallowing his cock almost as soon as it’s in view. 

Eliott groans, throwing his head back. He almost wishes he’d stayed backed against the wall just so he’d have something to lean against. Oh, well. Too late now. He settles for anchoring himself in Lucas’s hair, pulling on it just the way he remembers Lucas likes. His actions are rewarded with a moan, so he pulls again. Hopefully the hall will have cleared out by the time they leave, and no one will notice the disheveled hair that Eliott will surely leave in his wake. 

Lucas bobs his head expertly, and Eliott knows it’s from years of practice. Three months has nothing on Lucas’s professional blowjob skills, and it’s obvious that he remembers everything that Eliott likes—down to the grip that Lucas has on his hips. Eliott hopes, inwardly, that there will be finger shaped bruises there in the morning. He used to love to press on them, feel them ache, reminding him where they came from. Lucas hated seeing them because it always made him feel as though he was too rough. Eliott kept them secrets, sometimes, just so Lucas wouldn’t feel that way. 

Maybe that’s where their relationship went wrong, in the end. With the secrets. Except Eliott’s secrets were bruises from blowjobs that Lucas probably knew about anyway, and flowers that he was going to have delivered, and the occasional text from Lucas’s mom that he knew Lucas wouldn’t want to know about. Lucas’s secrets were different. His were weeks of unhappiness and questioning the entire relationship.  We’ve been together for so long, how can we know this is what we want? I don’t want to grow old and resent that I missed out on something, you know? God, that sounds awful, I didn’t mean it that way, Eliott. I’m just really confused right now.  Eliott wouldn’t be surprised if dissatisfaction with their sex life was another secret Lucas kept. 

Part of him wants to ask, a large part, but he knows better. He files it away for another time and focuses on the pleasure he’s receiving. Lucas’s always been amazing at deepthroating and clearly that hasn’t changed a bit. 

“Shit, if you keep doing that, this is going to be over really soon,” Eliott warns, and Lucas just hums in approval. Eliott watches as Lucas takes his dick out and jerks himself off in time with his head bobbing, and it really shouldn’t be as hot as it is. But Eliott is probably destined to believe that everything Lucas does is hot, so. He just succumbs to it and moans, way too loudly for a public bathroom. 

When Lucas starts focusing on the head, Eliott knows he’s done for. He barely has time to grit out a warning before he’s coming, and most of it gets in Lucas’s mouth. Eliott doesn’t hesitate to drop to his own knees and wriggle his hand onto Lucas’s dick, jerking him off. To avoid a mess, Lucas cups his hand around himself as he comes under Eliott’s ministrations. 

And then the bathroom falls quiet again, save for their labored breathing. 

“That was…” Eliott trails off, looking at his hand, which is partially splattered with Lucas’s come. 

“Good?” Lucas fills in for him, wiping Eliott’s come off of his face. Eliott nearly gets hard again at the sight. “I thought so too. But, uh… Maybe we should talk? About where we go from here.”

Eliott nods, standing up and going to rinse his hands off. Lucas follows only moments later. “I do agree that we should talk,” Eliott murmurs, making eye contact through the mirror. “But both of our brains probably aren’t good for shit right now, and I don’t think this is really the appropriate place. So. My place?”

Lucas nods, dries off his hands, and fixes his hair. Just in case there are any stragglers, Eliott does the same. “Yeah. I’ll follow you there.”

*

Eliott flops back on the bed, breath heaving and body shining with sweat. They’d barely made it into the entryway before they were falling together again, back into old ways and old habits that should’ve died with the relationship. But as it is, Eliott’s ass is already sore, and Lucas is hard at work wiping Eliott’s come off of his chest. Eliott can’t exactly say he’s surprised that they had sex. It’s been months for the both of them. 

He climbs out of bed, pulling underwear on and going to grab two glasses of water. When he comes back, Lucas has his own underwear on, and he’s wearing this odd expression like he knows what’s coming next and is absolutely dreading it. Eliott finds that rather terrifying, considering Lucas was the one who suggested this talk in the first place. 

“You okay?” Eliott asks, handing over the glass of water. Lucas nods and insists that he is before accepting the water and downing all of it in two gulps. Eliott can barely manage a sip before he’s putting the glass aside and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“So,” Lucas sighs, picking at a hangnail. “I guess we should talk now.”

“Mhm. I agree.”

“Do you, um… Do you have any ideas on how you want to start this?”

He doesn’t, but he can tell that Lucas doesn’t either, and he really doesn’t want Lucas to run off again. So he comes up with something off of the top of his head, and tries to keep his voice from shaking as he asks, “How have you been the last three months?”

Lucas blinks a few times, as though he hadn’t been expecting that question at all. But he recovers quickly, and Eliott watches him search his brain for the answer. “Some days were harder than others,” Lucas says carefully, and Eliott’s chest hurts. Lucas is being  careful.  That can only mean one thing: his real answer has the potential to hurt Eliott’s feelings. “What about you?”

“About as awful as you’d imagine.”

Lucas winces. “Yeah. I, uh, I kinda knew you weren’t doing okay. Sofiane keeps Imane pretty updated, so, you know.” Lucas waves his hand to signal that Eliott probably knows the rest, and yeah, Eliott does. Whatever Sofiane tells Imane, Imane will inevitably tell Lucas. “I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you.”

“It is what it is,” Eliott dismisses. He regrets asking this question, now. He just feels humiliated for being more upset than Lucas. “Did you expect for all of this to happen when you first saw me at the wedding?”

“No,” Lucas says instantly, and then backtracks almost as quickly. “Well, I mean, of course I thought about it. But I can’t say that I expected it to actually happen. The thought did cross my mind, though. Especially when I followed you to the bathroom.”

“What do you want to come out of this? No pun intended.”

Lucas actually cracks a smile, then, but it’s nervous. Eliott  hates  that it’s nervous. “I don’t know. I hadn’t really planned that far ahead,” he admits, and Eliott deflates. Lucas hadn’t thought about them getting back together, hadn’t been excited about it at all. “I just know that I love you, and I miss you, and I don’t want to go another three months without seeing you again.”

That’s when Eliott’s questions from earlier come back; the ones he’d tucked away. He sits up straighter and steels himself, prepares for the blow just in case Lucas should swing. 

“Why did you break up with me?” He asks, and before Lucas can answer, he interjects again. “And I want the truth, not the bullshit you keep telling me. The 100% God’s honest truth.”

“The truth? God, Eliott, I…” Lucas sighs, rubbing his hands on his legs as if trying to get sweat off of them. It’s not exactly a promising sign. “I was scared? I don’t know. I just… Everything got so real, all of a sudden. We were talking about marriage and ten years from now, fifteen years from now. We were making future plans, you know? And it scared me. It scared the fuck out of me.”

“Why would that scare you?” Eliott has never been scared of having a future with Lucas. If anything, the thought was calming and comforting, like a warm blanket in the cold. Knowing—or hoping—that he would get to spend the rest of his life by Lucas’s side was one of the things that could get him out of bed in the morning. There’s nobody else he’d rather be next to. 

He’d thought Lucas felt the same, and it’s heartbreaking to know he was wrong. 

Lucas shrugs, “It’s not something I’d really thought about before. I mean, of course I thought about a future with you, but never so seriously. I don’t know. Marriage is a really hard thing for me, already, with my parents and everything. I was always so scared of what happened to them happening to us. And it was like, before, talking about marriage was some far-fetched thing because I was 17 and you were 19 and whatever. But then it seemed like something that was within the realm of possibility, that it could happen soon, and I couldn’t handle it.”

“So… You don’t want to marry me?”

“Of course I do. I’ve never wanted anything more than I want that,” Lucas insists, but Eliott finds himself feeling a little skeptical. “It just took me awhile to realize that, and I’m sorry. I know it’s fucked up.”

Eliott blinks. All this time, he thought that he and Lucas were on the same page. He thought they both thought of marriage and kids and a future house together, a life they built together. But now he’s realizing that Lucas was hardly even reading the same  chapter,  so many beats behind, and Eliott feels like an asshole for not seeing it sooner. Lucas didn’t want any of the things Eliott wanted. He should’ve known better. 

Eliott’s always been the hopeless romantic. He should know by now to stop pushing that onto others. 

“Lucas, if you can’t see a future with me, then what the fuck are we even doing?” His voice is low, dangerous. He sees the way it makes Lucas’s back straighten. 

“I do, I can see—”

“But you didn’t before. For the past four fucking years, you didn’t.” Lucas gives him a desperate look and reaches out for him, so Eliott pulls back. He doesn’t want Lucas anywhere near him right now. “I asked you how you’ve been, and you gave me a bullshit answer. Tell me the fucking truth. Tell me how you’ve really been while I’ve been sat here alone, fucking miserable.”

Lucas stands, shifting uncomfortably. Eliott doesn’t move from his seat on the bed. “Obviously I was hurting, Eliott. I fucking loved you—I’m still in love with you. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t… It wasn’t whatever the hell you think it was.”

“Did you go on a date with anyone else?”

“What?”

“You heard me,” Eliott snaps. “On your good days, did you ever go on any dates?”

Lucas hesitates. “Just one.”

“With who?”

“Jesus, Eliott.” Lucas shakes his head, walking away from the bed and then pacing back. His hands pull at his hair and Eliott wonders if his scalp is sore from how Eliott had pulled against it in the bathroom at the wedding. “Why are you asking me this? You and I both know that the answers are just going to hurt you.”

Eliott frowns. “Because you weren’t honest with me before. You weren’t honest with me about how you were feeling or what was going on, and I ended up with my heart broken and completely blindsided. I think I deserve a bit of honesty.”

“With Adrian.”

It only takes those two words for Eliott’s heart to fall straight through his stomach. He closes his eyes and tries to ignore the ringing in his ears. He doesn’t have the right to be upset, and he knows that. Lucas was single. He could go on a date with whoever the hell he wanted, and he didn’t have to answer to Eliott. But it doesn’t stop it from stinging, knowing that Lucas went on a date with fucking  Adrian. 

Adrian is a guy Lucas met at university. They shared an English class and then a biology one and then a statistics one, covering nearly all of the subjects. They’d been pretty good friends for a while, but Eliott had seen the way Adrian looked at Lucas. It was the same way Eliott looked at him. And as much as Eliott hates to admit to it, he can have a bit of a tendency towards jealousy. He kept trying to talk to Lucas about it, but it’d only lead to fighting and accusations that Eliott was trying to control who Lucas hung out with. So Eliott had dropped it. 

Of course, within two months, Adrian had decided to shoot his shot despite knowing good and damn well that Lucas wasn’t single. Lucas had come home from a party with red cheeks and stammering out apologies before he even told Eliott what he was apologizing for.  He kissed me,  Lucas had said, and Eliott didn’t need the explanation that followed.  Adrian. He kissed me. I’m so sorry, Eliott, you told me he liked me. I’m sorry I didn’t see it. 

Lucas had insisted that he had no feelings whatsoever towards Adrian, and Eliott believed him. Despite the fact that Lucas and Adrian stayed friends—although less close than before—Eliott believed him.  Trusted  him. He feels kind of stupid about that now, because they’d only been broken up for who fucking knows how long before Lucas went on a date with him. It leads Eliott to believe that perhaps Lucas hadn’t been totally truthful about his feelings for Adrian. 

And that… That hurts worse than anything else could’ve. Worse than Lucas breaking up with him, even. All of this time, Eliott has so desperately wanted to know why Lucas broke up with him. Now, though, he wishes he could go back to blissful ignorance. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” Lucas says, his voice miserable and sad. Eliott thinks that he doesn’t know the fucking half of it. “It wasn’t like that. I never lied to you about my feelings for him, I promise.”

About my feelings for him.  “So you did have feelings for him?”

“No. I never had feelings for anyone but you.”

“Then why’d you go out with him?”

“Distraction,” Lucas replies, and he looks so desperate for Eliott to believe him that Eliott almost does. Almost. “I needed to get my mind off of you. We went out one night, and he was there, and he asked me out for dinner the next day. That was all. I went on that one date and it was over by the next morning. I haven’t even spoken to him since.”

Eliott chews on his lip, worrying it between his teeth to avoid giving away too much via facial expression. He knows that confusion can lead to weird things happening, like going on weird dates or convincing yourself of things that aren’t true. It would be easy, mentally, for Eliott to chalk that date up to that. Lucas was just confused and scared, and Adrian just so happened to be there. Nothing but collateral damage. 

It’s kind of hard to believe that, though. He’s sure he could convince himself of it if he tried hard enough, but it isn’t worth it. 

“I’m sure you can see where it’s a bit hard to believe that you didn’t just dump me because you liked him,” Eliott murmurs. “After all, you left me with no explanation and no warning. Because you were confused and scared of commitment, or whatever. And now I’m finding out you’ve gone out with another guy? The only thing that could make this worse is if I found out you fucked someone else.”

He means it as a joke, but Lucas’s face twists, and Eliott’s blood runs cold. 

“You’re fucking kidding me. Tell me you’re lying.”

Lucas looks torn. He glances away and glances back, and Eliott notices his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Eliott, I didn’t—”

“Oh, fuck,” Eliott groans. It’s all he can really articulate between the shock and the sudden bout of intense nausea. Lucas fucked someone else. He went on a date with Adrian and he fucked someone else, all because Eliott wasn’t fucking good enough. He’s going to throw up. 

“Eliott,” Lucas repeats, stepping closer to him. Eliott nearly does vomit in his haste to scramble off of the bed and away from Lucas. “Eliott,  please.  I know it’s fucked up and I’m so, so sorry. But please just… Don’t let that be a dealbreaker. Please. We were broken up.”

Eliott laughs, but it’s bitter and hollow. “Yeah, we were, weren’t we?” He snaps, making Lucas wince. “Who was it? Did you know him? Or was it just some random drunken one night stand?”

“It was a drunken one night stand, but… But I do know him.”

“Do I know him?”

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“Eliott…”

“Who?” Eliott asks again, his voice quiet and yet echoing in the small room. Lucas wraps his arms around himself and begins to cry, and Eliott can’t even find it within him to care. He  wants  Lucas to cry, he wants Lucas to feel half of the pain he’s been feeling. Half of the pain he’s feeling now. 

Lucas sobs, “Adrian. The night of the date.”

Eliott’s knees threaten to give out. Not only a date, but sex? Lucas is fucking stupid if he thinks that Eliott will believe that there were no feelings there, now. That’s absolute  bullshit. 

“Adrian,” Eliott laughs out, and he doesn’t know why he’s laughing when he feels like sobbing and yelling, but he doesn’t think on it. “Fucking Adrian. I should’ve known.”

“It’s not like… I didn’t break up with you to be with him. I didn’t have feelings for him.”

“Didn’t,” Eliott mumbles. “Meaning you do now.”

“No. I didn’t and don’t have feelings for him. I used him as a distraction, and the sex… That just happened.”

“Oh, you just tripped and fell and your dick got stuck in him?”

Lucas rubs at his eyes like he’s trying to fight the urge to cry more, and Eliott wants to smack his hands away. Let him cry. Let Eliott see it. Let him hurt, too. “No, I mean. Obviously we both made the conscious choice to fuck, but it’s not like I went into it with that intention. And I was sad, and we were both drunk, I...” He hesitates, then adds, “You’re the only person I want to be with.”

“Don’t. You don’t get to say that to me right now.” He looks up at Lucas, looks at everything broken between them, and feels his anger come up in swells. Lucas broke up with him and let Adrian jump right in, take Eliott’s spot like he’s always wanted. Lucas  let him replace Eliott, even if it was temporarily. He  let Adrian walk into his romantic life,  let  him into his bed. And he has the nerve to say that he never had feelings for Adrian? Lucas isn’t the type of guy to use people. He wouldn’t just use Adrian as a distraction like that, especially knowing how Adrian feels about him. No fucking way. 

That’s the most frustrating thing, really. Lucas is such an infuriatingly good person that it’s almost hard to be angry with him. They were broken up, Lucas could date and have sex with whoever he wanted. It didn’t matter whether it was Adrian or some random guy in the club, Eliott didn’t get to be mad over it. He didn’t cheat and he didn’t lie and he didn’t play Eliott. They were both single, not involved, not even speaking. And Lucas seems so upset about it that one might think that he actually did cheat. 

But he didn’t. Lucas would never. 

Maybe it’s not really Lucas that he’s upset with. Of course it’s hard to control the jealousy that arises when you find out the love of your life fucked some other guy, but maybe the real issue was within Eliott. Lucas’s actions only seemed to confirm that Eliott was never good enough, romantically or sexually. He wasn’t good enough and Lucas had to go looking for what Eliott lacked in other men. He can’t really blame anyone but himself for all of this. 

But the burn of betrayal is still there, and Eliott thinks he’s allowed to wallow in it a bit. 

“Was he better than me?” Eliott asks, and his voice cracks in the middle. Lucas winces and looks ready to completely break down, holding himself together with his own arms. Eliott suddenly doesn’t want to hear the answer, but he doesn’t want to retract the question either. “Answer me. Was he better? Was he a better kisser? How was the date? Your place or his? Did he sleep over?”

“Eliott, shut the fuck up!” Lucas yells, but there’s no anger or edge behind it. It just sounds incredibly sad and incredibly desperate, like he can’t bear to hear another word. “Just fucking  stop.  You’re only torturing yourself and I’m not going to sit here and let you do it.”

He thinks about it, anyway. He thinks about Adrian sucking Lucas off first, the way Eliott does. He thinks about Adrian laying on his stomach while Lucas fingers him open. He thinks of the moans Adrian let out when Lucas hit his prostate. He wonders if Lucas also used his tongue to open him up. That’s Eliott’s favorite thing. He wonders if it’s Adrian’s favorite, too. He thinks about the look of awe Lucas always gets when he sees himself disappearing into Eliott with every thrust, and wonders if he had that same look when he fucked into Adrian. He thinks about how Lucas, selfless and considerate in bed as always, probably got Adrian off first. He can never seem to come if Eliott hasn’t been satisfied first, and he imagines that probably extends to Lucas’s other sexual partners. Partner. 

A new thought hits him: he’s not the only person that’s ever seen Lucas like that anymore. He’s not the only person who’s ever made him come. 

That thought is like a punch to the gut. 

“I think you should go,” Eliott says finally, and Lucas frantically shakes his head. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be, please. Just go.”

“No. I won’t go. I walked out that door once already and I’m not making the mistake of doing it again.”

“Lucas—”

“Please,” Lucas begs, stepping closer to Eliott and, when Eliott doesn’t back away, cupping his cheeks between his palms. “Please. Don’t let it end like this. I know I fucked up, and I’m sorry. I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Please let me make it up to you.”

Eliott has to look away. He knows that he’ll cave if he makes eye contact with Lucas for too long, and he needs to be strong. He needs to remember what he’s worth, the kind of treatment he deserves. 

“Lucas. You need to leave.”

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know,” Lucas rushes out, moving his hands down to cling to Eliott’s hips. Eliott had forgotten until just then that he and Lucas were both only in boxers. The pain in his bum hits him then, too. Perfect timing. “Anything. We went out to dinner and then I offered to drive him home. He invited me in for drinks and I agreed because I didn’t want to go home to an empty house. We both had too much to drink and—”

Eliott pulls his hands off of his waist, and Lucas just drops to his knees.  Let me get on my knees for you. Let me beg.  The sight makes his stomach turn and he looks away again, fumbling around for Lucas’s arms or hands so he can pull him back up to standing again. 

Lucas doesn’t budge. “We both had too much to drink and then before I knew what was happening, he kissed me. I shoved him away at first but the realization that I didn’t have you to come home to made me sad, and I thought maybe I needed the distraction. So I let him take me upstairs. Eliott, I’ll answer any questions you have, I swear I will.” Eliott hooks his hands under Lucas’s armpits finally, and starts to drag him up. Lucas allows himself to be stood up, but he doesn’t walk away or move backwards. 

“That’s enough, Lucas. You really need to go.”

“He wasn’t better than you.”

“Lucas, stop. Seriously. I don’t have the right to know any of this, I— I’m sorry I lashed out. You were single, you  are  single. I’m sorry. I just, I really need you to go now.”

“Eliott,  please.”

“How am I ever supposed to trust you again? If I decide to forgive you and take you back, I’m going to be spending the rest of our relationship wondering when you’re going to get scared and leave again. Wondering why I wasn’t good enough for you.”

“Let me prove myself,” Lucas whispers. He tentatively reaches for Eliott’s hands, and Eliott lets him hold them. “I know all of this is fucked up, okay? I know it’s not logical that I got scared of commitment and broke up with you and then came back. I know it doesn’t make sense. I broke up with you because I didn’t want to break your heart, that’s the irony of it. I thought I was protecting you somehow. But I realize now that I hurt you. I realize now that I do want everything that you want, maybe even more. I want everything with you. Everything you’re willing to offer me. And I’m so fucking sorry that I had to go through a series of fuck-ups to figure it out. I’m sorry that I didn’t treat you how you deserve to be treated. I’m sorry that I ever made you doubt whether or not you were good enough. You’re more than enough, you’re everything. You’re everything, and that thought isn’t overwhelming anymore. I’m sorry I hurt you, Eliott, and I’m ready to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I’m ready to spend the rest of my life proving to you that I love you and only you. That you’re it for me. That you’re my person. Please,  please  let me do that. Please.”

Eliott fights hard to blink back tears, overwhelmed by the love and sincerity in Lucas’s voice. There’s no doubt in his mind that Lucas loves him and that Lucas is incredibly sorry, but that doesn’t really seem to make him feel any better. Without trust, is there really a point to any of the other stuff?

The way Lucas’s looking at him screams  yes! yes, love is always worth it! And Eliott wonders if maybe he should just take a risk. He wonders if maybe this time he and Lucas will get it right, and everything will work itself out. Maybe the scars from this ordeal will never go away, but they’ll fade. Eliott will stop thinking about them. He’ll stop agonizing over them. Hell, maybe he’ll even forget them. He loves Lucas so much. Maybe love is enough, this time. 

“I love you so fucking much, it feels like that’s all that exists in me. I don’t know who I am or how to live without loving you.”

“Eliott, I—”

“It shouldn’t be like that,” Eliott murmurs. “I shouldn’t put my worth in you. I should have my own worth. I should have an existence outside of you.” He looks down at where they’re still holding hands, and then looks back up at Lucas. “But I don’t want to. I don’t want to exist without loving you.”

Lucas sniffs, “You don’t have to. I know I fucked up, but I promise it won’t happen again. I’ll never get scared again, I— You’re the only person I ever want to be with.”

That’s not true.  “I think you should go.”  I love you with every single atom in my body. 

“No, Eliott, please,” Lucas sobs. He’s collapsing, and Eliott knows it. The worst part is how his ass is still sore, how it twinges with every movement, reminds him what Lucas’s love feels like. “Please don’t do this. Please.”

“I’ll call you,” Eliott whispers. He doesn’t know if he truly has the intention to do so, but for now, it feels like a truth. “In a day or two. I’ll call you.”  Stay with me. Please stay, always stay. Don’t leave. 

“I’m not leaving. I’m  not.  I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Eliott assures him. “But that wasn’t enough the first time. Was it?”

Lucas crumbles. Eliott feels numb. 

Lucas is back on his knees, gripping Eliott’s boxers between white knuckles and sobbing into them. Eliott reaches down to cradle the back of his head and rub his fingers through Lucas’s hair. When Lucas cries like this, he gets a headache, and Eliott wants to soothe it. 

“Or maybe it was too much.”

“I was the one that wasn’t good enough,” Lucas corrects, “not you. Never you. It was me. I know that’s cliché but it’s true. Please, Eliott. We can move on from this, I know we can. We’ve already been through so much together, this is just another little obstacle. Just like Emma and Yann, and they’re married now. That can be us.”

Eliott crumbles. “Marry me, then.”

“What?”

“Marry me,” he repeats. And then, “Will you marry me?”

Lucas looks up at him, but it isn’t a moment of hesitancy. It’s a moment of confusion, and then Lucas nods slowly. He nods, and he doesn’t look scared or overwhelmed or anything other than completely, overwhelmingly, one hundred percent sincere. 

“Yes,” Lucas nods. “I will.”

“This Friday?”

“Yes.”

“Tomorrow morning?”

“Yes.”

“Right now?”

“I do,” Lucas says, and Eliott smiles. He sinks down to his knees and buries his face in Lucas’s neck, and he just breathes. 

Very little is fixed, if anything. Eliott is still hurting, and so is Lucas. There’s a lot of apologizing left to do. Both of them said some pretty fucked up things, and there’s so much broken between them that there really should be no hope of repairing it. They’re toxic. No good for each other. 

Eliott doesn’t care that they’re no good for each other. Lucas doesn’t have to marry him tomorrow, but just knowing that he  would is enough for right now. 

**Author's Note:**

> title from japanese denim by daniel caesar
> 
> find me on tumblr @elullemant  
find me on twitter @finelinealbums


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